I don’t want to die but I’m not keen on living either.

I remember being young and naive and not having an understanding of why anyone would ever want to take their own life. I remember when my father took his own life I would lie in bed at night wondering how someone could reach the point of throwing the towel in with life. I would wonder what the very last thing he thought about was. Did he think about me and my siblings and my mother? This kept me awake at night for months on end. It wasn’t until I reached a certain point with depression that I understood truly what it feels like. Too often people say that suicide is selfish but if you ask anyone who survived a suicide attempt, myself included, regardless of the wonderful things I had in my life. Regardless of the loving family that surrounded me and the supportive friends I had, none of that mattered when it came down to it. In the moments of picking up a handful of pills and swallowing them I didn’t think of my family once. I knew first hand how a suicide can effect a family and yet here I was about to have the same fate. The only way I can describe it is like having tunnel vision. Nothing else in the world is real and the only thing you can focus on is ending the pain that you’re in. It’s not a selfish decision. It’s a disease that rots your brain but because there are not many physical symptoms a lot of people don’t seem to understand. I want to express that suicide is not selfish however it is also not the answer. Suicide doesn’t make pain go away. It just gives it to someone else. I know that sounds like a guilt trip cop out but I’m really trying not to make it sound like that. I’m not saying you should feel guilty for feeling the way you do. What I am saying is you need to take the responsibility you have to get help. I know it’s hard when you reach the place of considering taking your own life. One to many people have told me the old cliche of how life gets better and I remember hating them for telling me that because in that very moment I didn’t feel or think that it was ever going to get better. But it did and that’s what is important.
If you reach out or accept the help you’re being offered life can get better. You can improve and sometimes all it takes is a random stranger on the internet giving you a nudge in the right direction. So here it is. If you are feeling suicidal I want you to contact the samaritains or breathing space or go to your local accident and emergency department and they will send you to the right help. Do not give up because,wait for it, another cliche,the world needs you in it.


One thought on “I don’t want to die but I’m not keen on living either.

  1. Reblogged this on Life's Happy Rants and commented:
    being someone who just got out of depression, i totally get it… but what I never got was the desire to take ones life, it has nothing to do with being Catholic like most people think, but I think I just have so much respect for life and a little about how I’m a medical student and a psychology graduate, you know how I kind of have an idea how great the mind and the body is, who it on its own is a form of miracle, and though I might feel sad, or before DEPRESSED, I thought about it, yes, but I never stayed there you know, thinking I’d kill myself, it was always just in passing… the answer was always a big NO even before i thought of asking it…

    Nonetheless, depression is a very real thing, not everyone is like me… so if you think anyone is undergoing depression, you must do what you can to help 🙂


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